A Lasting Relationship: Being Right and Other Useless Things

In a lasting relationship, being right is not the most important thing. In fact, there are times when it can be downright dangerous.

'Right' has a place in making a relationship bloom. Finding the 'right one.' Better yet, being the 'right one.' Doing 'right' by the right one. But it might be helpful to be aware of when, to ensure a lasting relationship, being right can, in fact, be wrong.

Dangerously wrong.

To be sure, when you're taking a scholarship exam that will pay for your tuition, your books, and your room and board for four years at Harvard, being right is pretty important.

When you're disarming a bomb, and you have to decide whether you should cut the red wire or the blue wire, being right is crucial. But in a relationship . . . well, being right definitely has its limitations.

That is to say, being right is not the most important thing.

Since attributions are rather an issue in this day and age, let us hasten to say that we did not come up with this line. It is the wisdom of one Reverend Strebe, a minister who once served in the college town of Las Vegas, New Mexico.

It was given as advice to someone then in a troubled marriage. Which marriage, as it turns out, ended in divorce. Too little, too late.

Even so, the message was taken to heart. And remembered throughout an ensuing relationship that goes merrily on after thirty-five years.

So you might say this anti-being right philosophy has legs.

And – since we really do want everyone to be happy – we're passing it on.

Consider the hostilities that too often emerge during football season. The hurt feelings, the sulking, the fight over the TV clicker.

And that's just during the pre-game show.

Seriously, we figure that most of what pisses so many of you off about football season is likely not the game of football, but the truly rotten feeling of being ignored.

Especially by someone you care about. And who has at least hinted that he cares about you.

You know: the "you love football more than you love me" thing.

For example, a delightful young woman of our acquaintance has declared, rather passionately, "I hate football!"

But on closer examination, it becomes evident that it is not the rather innocuous game that so offends her.

It is really, as she goes on to explain, that her beloved ignores her during football season. No, she is neither exaggerating nor imagining his conduct. The painful truth is, he prefers she not speak throughout the four quarters of the ubiquitous games that seem to flow endlessly from August through February. Now, that's not fair. And our young friend is not wrong in thinking so.

Surely, their relationship is far more important than a game of football. Well, maybe not the Super Bowl . . .

Even so. Although this guy may be an insensitive dolt, she has apparently decided she wants a relationship with him nonetheless.

Which may reflect on her judgment.

But the real question here is: what is the best way for her to get what she wants? To wit, his attention. Specifically, his loving attention.

The answer is definitely not to sulk in a corner during football games, or to hide the TV clicker, or to talk loudly on the phone to her mother during crucial moments of play, all in the hope of making clear her entirely justified dissatisfaction with her beloved's choice.

These strategies are seriously counter-productive.

The thing is, when football becomes "the other woman," behaving in – uh – unattractive ways is not likely to achieve the desired result.

It does no good to blame the game.

And although your beloved may be wrong, or doing you wrong, or in the wrong, or just wrong, wrong, wrong, you perhaps should ask yourself what might be the cost of proving yourself right.

The thing is, being right too often turns out to be cold comfort. Emphasis on the cold.

What, then, might be a more effective strategy to achieve comfort of a somewhat warmer variety?

Well, if he likes black lace teddies, why not wear a black lace teddy? You love the guy, right? So why not give him what he wants?

He loves football. Why not share it with him? In fact, why not share it with him while wearing a black lace teddy?

Look: football is just a game. Learning how it works is really not rocket science. So learn it already. No big deal.

This weekend, read a book about it. Learn the basics.

By next weekend, you'll know what's going on. We mean, hey: can you play checkers?

Yes, football is that easy to understand. Checkers on grass.

Then when you cuddle up with your beloved on Sunday afternoon to watch the games, you can call for a quarterback sneak when it's third and goal on the one. While, of course, wearing that black lace teddy. Or other suitable attire.

You have then joined them and beaten them in one sweet, sexy pass into the end zone.

Score!

What comes next is sure to be . . . well, a lot more fun than being "right."

As Reverend Strebe said, "Being right is not the most important thing."

Amen.

How to Watch a Football Game: a Guide for Women

What's a woman to do? You'd like to share the football experience with your beloved. But how can you learn a game that looks so complicated? All we can say is: looks can be deceiving!

Men may call it football. But to you, it looks more like a half-off sale at Macy's.

Speaking of which, you can always go shopping while the game is on. But football season lasts a long, long time. And anyway, cuddling up on the sofa with your beloved on those cold winter evenings does have some appeal.

But if you don't know what's going on, and if your beloved (as so many beloveds do) makes it clear that he'd prefer you not ask questions while the game is on . . . what's a football challenged woman to do?

Well, we're about to tell you.

The thing is, learning the basics of football – that is, enough to make game-watching fun – is at about the same degree of difficulty as learning to send e-mails. Without attachments.

Okay. Get comfortable. Fix yourself some herb tea. Or a vodka tonic. Make sure you have a clear view of the television screen.

Now, pick a team to root for. Doesn’t matter which one. Pick them for your own reasons. Because you like the color of their uniforms. Because one of the guys on the sidelines reminds you of your high school crush. Whatever.

It's just more fun when, as they say, you have some skin in the game.

But do feel free to switch to the other team if the one you picked is getting creamed by time the game is only half over. It’s easy to tell when that is, by the way, because there's this long break away from the game with lots of commentator 'analysis' and many commercials that allow you time to refill your beverage of choice. Not surprisingly, this hiatus is called 'half time'. See? You know some jargon already.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's get back to the beginning of the game.

Things get kicked off by . . . well, by kicking off the football. Who gets to kick the football and who gets to receive the football is decided before the game by a coin toss.

After that, each team is allowed four chances (called 'downs') to move the ball a minimum of ten yards. There are white lines drawn across the field at five-yard intervals, so it's pretty easy to judge the distance. Plus when you're watching on TV, they superimpose this really cool digital line in bright yellow so you really can't miss it.

Anyway, if the team with the football succeeds in moving it ten or more yards, they get another four chances. If they don't, they have to kick the ball to the other team and allow them their four chances to do the same.

And that's about it for the format of the game.

To understand the action, you need to focus on the football.

You'll notice that, when the action starts (each piece of action is called a 'play'), the ball is sitting on the ground between the two teams. There are eleven men on each team, and you'll see that a bunch on each side stands in a line facing each other. These are called (all together now!) LINEmen!

Told you it was easy.

Anyway, the teams take turns trying to move the ball to the opposite end of the playing field. The guy in the center of the line (called, amazingly, the CENTER) tosses the ball backwards between his legs (weird but true) to the guy directly behind him, who is called the quarterback, and who is like the general of the team.

While the linemen on his team try to keep the guys on the other team from pounding him into the Astroturf, the quarterback attempts to get the football moving down the field toward the goal line (that is, the line that marks the end of the playing field).

He does this by running with it himself, handing it to someone else to run with it, or throwing it to someone else.

Meanwhile, their counterparts on the other team are trying to prevent them from succeeding.

But if the quarterback or his guys do manage to get the ball all the way across the goal line (called a 'touchdown'), they are awarded six points, to which they can add another point by kicking the ball between the uprights of the goalpost (you know what that is, right?) after the touchdown. This is generally referred to as a 'point after.'

If they can't get all the way to the goal line by running and throwing the ball, they can give up short of the goal line and try to kick the ball between the uprights from wherever they are on the playing field. This is called a field goal, and gets them three points.

Whoever has the most points when time runs out wins the game.

That's really all you need to know to watch a game of football. So go ahead: pick a team; focus on the ball; cuddle.

What happens next is up to you.

Creating a Great Relationship: Five Questions You Should Ask Yourself

Think your relationship could be great if only your significant other could get his/her act together? Well, maybe there's another way of improving your relationship.

You're sure you could have a better relationship. If only your beloved were a little less this . . . or maybe a little more that . . .

Yes: your relationship could definitely improve. If it weren't for your significant other.

You really do love this schmu . . . uh, your beloved. If only he (she) wouldn't be so . . . well, so whatever.

But, hey: you picked him/her. And you're a pretty smart cookie. So how wrong could you have been?

Okay. So there's two of you in this relationship. If you chose the right person, who's left?

Could the fault, as Shakespeare said, lie not in your stars (or in your significant other) but (awww, geez) in yourself?

Hard to believe, we know. But let's give it a shot.

Ask yourself these five questions.

First, do you CHERISH your beloved?

Think about it: what made you fall in love in the first place? We all bring our unique gifts to the table. Do you remember what it was that made you know This Is The One?

Cherish that. Cherish what your beloved is. Relish what she (or he) brings to the table. If you loved the chili, love the chili. So there's no won ton soup. So what?

Remember that it was you who said you wanted the chili. Now, remember to enjoy it.

Second, do you ACCEPT your beloved?

Frankly, we had a hard time with this acceptance thing. It sounds a bit like settling.

But it isn't.

We're definitely opposed to settling.

But what acceptance really means is simply saying: this is how it is.

If it's a rainy day, you take along an umbrella. To demand that the sun shine is . . . well, a waste of time. And pretty silly.

It (whatever 'it' is – including our beloved) is what it is. Hey, you said this is who you love. So love what/who it is.

Third, do you LISTEN?

When things aren't going well, there are apt to be clues flying all around you. Calls for help. Signals of distress.

Are you paying attention?

If you aren't listening, then even though you're lying next to each other in that cozy little bed, you're both alone.

There's a wonderful line from that old musical, How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying: "It's not just these few hours/But I've been waiting since I toddled/For the great relief of having you to talk to."

It's the loneliest thing in the world to be with someone who doesn't hear you.

Do you LAUGH together? No matter how tough times may be, you've got to laugh.

Did you know that laughter actually adds years to your life?

Hey, whatever crap may be going on in your lives, you have each other. Never forget that. And never stop celebrating it.

Laugh together at the squirrels in the park. Laugh together at your favorite sit-com. Laugh when you burn the toast. Laugh when you spill the coffee.

Whatever. Just laugh. As often as you can.

It's good for you.

And finally, do you have a SHARED PASSION?

Studies have shown that this can be the glue that keeps you together over the toughest of times: a passion for something bigger than yourselves.

Oh, it can be something really inspiring, like world peace. Or helping out with the Special Olympics (one of our favorite causes).

But it can also be something as simple as growing the best roses, or rooting together for your favorite team.

It's about a line from yet another song, "How Do You Keep the Music Playing?"

And yes, for the record, music is one of our shared passions, and has, in fact, been a large part of our life together. So we do tend to think in song lyrics.

Anyway, the line is: "How do you think of new things to say?"

And the answer is: by finding that shared passion that will keep you talking, and talking, and talking up to your hundredth birthdays and beyond.

There it is: do you Cherish, Accept, Listen, Laugh, and Share?

If not, why not? You said you loved the big lug/little lady, didn’t you?

So do it, already.

A Great Relationship: Is It Really About Finding the Right Person?

Having trouble finding the right person? Well, maybe that's not really what you need to have a great relationship.

Relationships. If only you could find the right person, you could live happily ever after.

But – uh – exactly what do you mean by the 'right person'?

There was a play on Broadway recently titled You're Perfect. I Love You. Now Change.

We never got to see it, but the name was plastered all over buses in the Metropolitan area (we live right across the river from New York City, so we get in there quite a lot).

Anyway, we loved the title.

Thing is, what is perseverance when you fall in love becomes stubbornness after you've been together for a while. Fun and carefree becomes lazy and irresponsible. And so it goes.

So what's wrong with wanting just a little change in your beloved? Just the tiniest tweak . . .

But what are you really saying here? You love this person with all your heart. This person you have chosen from among all others. Except that you would love this person just a little bit more if only they were the teeniest bit different from this person you have chosen from among all others and whom you love with all your heart.

Hmmmmm . . .

But the simple truth is the only human being you can actually change is (gulp) yourself. In fact, you're the only human being you have a right to change, wouldn't you say?

And that, when you come to think about it, is the good news. In fact, dare we say, it's the great news.

Because changing yourself puts you in control. That is, it's something you can actually hope to accomplish.

Changing someone else, not so much.

And as an NFL football coach (we think it may have been Hall of Fame coach George Allen, but we're not sure) once said, when things aren't going well, the first place to look is in the mirror.

So things aren't going well. You look in the mirror.

Okay. You think maybe your beloved should be the one looking in the mirror. But he (or she) isn't.

The ball is in your court.

Do you love your beloved enough to offer love without condition? To love the imperfect in your beloved just as completely as you do the perfect?

Oh, come on: there has to be some perfect. This is the lover you picked, after all. Could you possibly have been that wrong?

And . . . uh . . . we hate to bring this up, but . . . are you sure you're perfect?

And just in case you aren't, wouldn't it be nice to be loved just as perfectly for your imperfection as for your perfection?

Wouldn't you love to be on the receiving end of that?

So if you love your beloved so very much, isn't that exactly what you'd choose to give? That is, exactly what you'd love to receive.

All right then: give it.

See what happens.

Books About Football: Gulp. Do I Really Have to Learn All That?

Is it necessary to master a 400-page book about football just to understand enough about the game to enjoy Sunday Night Football with your beloved? Or is there perhaps an easier way?

All you want is to learn enough about football so you can watch the game with your beloved on Sunday night without feeling like a complete idiot. But – it seems like he (or she) doesn’t particularly enjoy answering all your dumb questions during the game.

Well, they're not dumb questions, and your beloved really should have a little more patience. But you should have won the lottery a long time ago, too. So let's move on.

You decide to buy a book about football. Of course, there are millions of them. So you narrow it down. You're not really looking to play quarterback for the Green Bay Packers. And you don't want to be away from home for all those away games you'd need to go to if you were an NFL coach.

All you really want is to know what's going on.

But even the football book that claims to be written for the dumb folk runs over four hundred pages. Frankly, you are daunted.

And we don't blame you.

What to do? Well, we're here to help.

To put this thing in perspective, let's remember that football is a game. If you mastered Old Maid and Clue, you can master football.

And if you mastered Sudoku and the New York Times Crossword Puzzle, coaching may be right up your alley after all.

Okay, then. Let's look at the concept of the game of American football. The object is for one team to move the ball past the other team to the opposite end of a rectangular playing field.

Got that? Good for you!

The rules are that each team gets four chances to move the ball ten yards (which are marked off by those stripes you see drawn across the field) by either running with the ball or throwing it, or a combination thereof. Every time they succeed, they get another four chances, until they actually get the ball to the end of the field.

But, if they fail, the other team gets a turn to take their own four chances. And so on and so forth until the game is over.

Need we tell you? The team who gets the ball to the opposite end of the field most often wins the game.

Now, how hard is that? And in a lot less than four hundred pages.

The rest is details. Okay, okay. We know. We've heard the old saying too: God is in the details. But trust us: you don't need to know them to enjoy watching the game of football.

Of course, if it makes you happy, you can add the details to your repertoire in the course of the season. Just don't rush yourself. Now that you've got the essentials, you might plan on learning the finer points of football the way you'd approach eating an elephant: one little bite at a time.

For now, relax, cuddle up and watch the game with your beloved. You really know all you need to know: four chances, get to the end of the field, or give the ball to the other guys. That's it.

But if it would make you feel better to have a football book all your own, just make sure it's a thin one.

Oh, Sure. Women Can Learn About Football. But Can They Actually Learn to Love It?

Can women learn to love football? Well, of course not, silly. At least, not any more than men can learn to love ballet.

It's amazing that, in this day and age, stereotypes still sell. Can women learn to love football? Can the poor dears even hope to understand it?

Geez!!!!!

Can men love ballet? Uh, just what do you think's the gender of guys like Nijinsky and Nureyev and Baryshnikov? Let's face it: in those nifty little tights, it's not that hard to tell.

And here’s another clue: men are not from Mars. Women are not from Venus. We're all from right here on Planet Earth. Places like Cleveland, LA and Brooklyn. Miami, Green Bay, and Scottsdale. Fort Lauderdale, Jersey City, and . . . well, you get the idea.

Point is, we’re all just folks. Male and female, all we really want is to be happy. Loved would also be good.

Anyway, a funny thing sometimes happens on the way to happy. We get misdirected.

Even worse: we get . . . well, directions. First, you should know that we're Bob and Kaye, and we've been around a while. Actually, quite a while. Which means that we've gotten a lot of directions.

But bear in mind that getting directions doesn't mean you have to follow them.

For example, there's the direction demanding that, in order to be a real woman, you must love to shop, hate (shudder) those violent male sports like football and boxing, and enjoy puttering in your garden.

Well, maybe you do. Nothing wrong with that.

But there's also nothing wrong with a real woman hating to shop (Lord knows, Kaye does), loving those violent male sports (okay, one out of two isn't bad), and killing virtually every poor plant she so much as looks at (bummer, but there you have it).

And there's nothing wrong with a guy who loves to shop (Bob does, the little Beau Brummell), hates contact sports (actually, Bob is up for most forms of contact, except that he got his bell rung early on as a lightweight boxer and immediately switched his chosen career to saloon singer, the saloon part being especially enticing), and loves to grow roses (Bob's pretty much neutral on the flower thing).

Anyway, what's the point of all this? Well, the point is: we'd really like to save you from missing out on the fun of football just because someone told you (or at least implied) that you should hate football just because you're a woman, and women hate football.

We say, don't let them tell you what to do! The basics of football are a snap for a sharp cookie like you. The only reason it might seem confusing is that's the way they want you to think. Ignore them. Football is just two bunches of guys in tight little outfits running over each other to get to the opposite ends of a long rectangular field. Trust us: you can handle it.

And more than that: you can enjoy it. There's a lot of ballet in there. You know: grace and strength and agility.

And, once you get the hang of it, quite a bit of chess. Moves and counter moves. But with big, burly guys instead of little plastic chess pieces. Hey, what's not to like?

So don't buy the silly bill of goods that football is not for you, you delicate (ugh) fragile little flower. Be a woman!!! Don't let them tell you what to do, what to like, or what to be. Football is fun and smart and sexy. Just like you. Check it out.

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Creating a Great Relationship: Five Questions You Should Ask Yourself

A Great Relationship: Is It Really About Finding the Right Person?